If Hermes made Flip Flops...

by Daniel Wilson

If Hermes made flip flops they might be acceptable. They would be tasteful, maybe a cherry wood sole with black or Hermes orange alligator straps; they would be subtle and elegant. But Hermes does not make flip flops and the ones that are out there are simply not acceptable.

From queers in the Village to the ginos and 905’rs at Circa - people in Toronto are universally slapping their way around town this summer with that irritating sound unique to this hideous footwear.

The argument in favor of The Flop is that it’s easy: you can just slip it on and go; and that it’s comfy. A driving shoe, a loafer, a deck shoe and a cowboy boot, a Vans skate shoe, a moccasin or even a Croc. All these footwear options are easy, as with flip flops, they don’t have the problem of those silly and confusing laces some shoes have… And they’re comfy! Flip flops have no support or cushioning for the arch, ball or heel and they come with the irritation of that little piece of cheap plastic between your toes.

Maybe some people think flip flops are sexy, it’s one step closer to naked after all.
I myself don’t find a calloused, hair flecked foot particularly appealing, and I fall short of imagining a lifestyle that allows time for twice weekly pedicures and toe waxing, but that’s just me.

Consider, if you will, the hygienic implications of flopping down for a roll in the linen (crisp and white as snow), with a person who, essentially, has been walking barefoot through the filth and offal of the streets or the grunge and scum of a night club.

Finally I plead to The Flop wearer to think of your own safety. We live in a city and the ground is full of hazards unknown. Used needles and broken glass, dog pooh and cigarette buts, stilettos poised to stomp on your toes and drunken revelers holding slippery beer bottles ; do you really want your feet, tender and pink, exposed to that?

Hermes does not make flip flops, but they do make a lovely driving shoe. Try one on. It might change your life, or at least save you a tetanus shot.


Last photo of chemical reaction of cheap flip flops - see story here >